My husband was traveling…again. The kids were sick…again. There was paper and clutter all over the counter…again. My littlest had started waking up in the night…again. Because the kids were sick, I was not going to be able to make it to my parents’ house…again.
When my husband is gone, I carry it all. And I was about to collapse from the weight. It seemed like I could not catch a break from having to be responsible. Having to choose loving now over selfish desires and it’s offspring, anger and irritation. I was crying…again.
I walked into the kitchen from the office where I had been working and saw the nanny. She took one look at me and smiled. I sobbed and told her I couldn’t do it all. I couldn’t make it all look the way I wanted it. I couldn’t accept some things that were “facts” of my life at this point in the journey.
She listened.
She didn’t rush me.
She heard my pain from the things I said and the things I kept quiet.
As the tears slowed and I caught my breath she put her hand on my arm. “Kaelyn,” she said with hope in her voice. “Look at how far you have come!” My head slowly lifted and our eyes met. “Remember when Jackson was little and Scott would leave? You would have your mom come stay with you and you were always so overwhelmed thinking you couldn’t handle it.” She this quietly, but then with a firm assurance she followed it with these sweet strong words of truth.
“Now you have 3 kids and your mom can’t come and YOU are doing it!”
“You’re doing it!”
“Kaelyn, you are doing it.”
“Yes, you might still get overwhelmed sometimes, but there is no more panic. You have come so far and you have grown so much.”
It was really like a breath of fresh air was blown into my lungs in that minute as I realized that I was, in fact, “doing it.”
I am doing things that 6 years ago I could only fantasize about. I am doing things that even 4, 3, or 2 years ago seemed impossible.
And here I am…still alive and still growing. That is one thing they don’t tell you about growing; that sometimes, you might feel like you are dying because you are being stretched so far. And in a sense, I guess a part of me has died. The part that was overwhelmed at having 1 child…she is no longer with us. The part that was overwhelmed with having 2 children…she is no longer with us either. The part of me that wonders how I will be alone with my children for any bit of time at all…she is gone.
So today, I am celebrating so many things. I have come so far and I am certain I will keep going. I know times will come again when I will feel like it is “too much” and I “just can’t take anymore.” And when that happens, there will be a death of something else that is not meant to be a part of my life and my story. I will say thank you for helping me grow and I will release it.
I am sure you feel that way too sometimes. What is the something in your life that you are ready to release?
Where have you grown?
You no longer need it to keep you safe.
When you release it, you’ll probably cry a little.
You might even cry a lot.
It will be okay, let it go anyway.
Then, once you release it, make sure you have someone to remind you just how far you have come!
Always celebrate that!
