It feels all wrong to write my first post today. It should be monumental or something life changing and transforming so you will come back. I laugh at myself as I think about that expectation and I let it go.

I wanted it to be fun and fresh and something springy and light, but of course I am not springy and light so I will let that go too.

The truth is it has been a HARD couple of weeks. All 3 of my kiddos had the flu at different times battling fevers over 104. My husband got it along the way as well and is just coming out of the aches and pains of it all. I have been taking care of everyone. Truthfully, I get angry when that goes on too long.

Just before this all happened my husband received a threatening word from his employer that is making us question if he will have a job in the near future. The job thing is heavy. For me and for my husband. Something happens in my heart when security is threatened. Uncertainty is looming and we are not in control. I do not what my husband to question his worth based on what is happening and I can’t control that either.

As if that were not a lot on the plate to process, my dad had a surgery scheduled for Tuesday.  I consider myself to be a daddy’s girl…yes still at the age of 36! This is the same surgery that he had 15 years ago and he almost died. My heart has been heavy in it’s anticipation of what is going to happen. I made every effort to go, but with my kids having just gotten over the flu and no childcare I began to accept that I would not be able to be there. I would not even have the illusion of control at my hands or in my mind. I am not ready to lose my dad and my heart carries that burden if I allow it to wonder too far. That heaviness took almost ever bit of my perspective.

So this is the position I write to you in. A HARD place. Somewhere that perspective can be lost and worry and anxiety can rule. A place where people tell you “this too shall pass.” I want to believe them as long as I have all the details that go with it. Like when will it pass? How will it pass? Will I be okay when it passes? Will my family be okay? How hard is it really going to be before it passes?

These are all the questions my clients have for me when I meet with them and they are in a HARD place. I see myself sitting across the table from them and even now I sense the smile I get over my face as I become aware of God doing something “new” in their life. What I tell them is that new life requires death of old life. Oh…that is so hard to say, and harder to hear during the HARD time. Old life, although not perfect, is known and sometimes even comfortable. But our God has more than just comfortable living for us. “The thief comes only to steal kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” John 10:10 He will make all things new and full.

And then I am aware that there is an enemy that does not want me to have Peace. He does not want me to have newness and fullness. He is fighting against the place in my heart that wants to find rest in Christ. There are times when we can practice. I try to do that every day. I practice “seeing ” God and “listening” for him in my heart and in my conversations. I practice releasing my flesh and trusting whatever my lot is for the day as enough. I practice gratitude and praise for things that I am not sure I am grateful for. I practice handing Jesus all of the things that come that I don’t know what to do with.

There are times for practice.

This is not a time for practice.

It is GO TIME! Practice is over for now and it is time to put all that I have seen and heard into the ACTION of believing. Once I have gotten to the “end of me” I am sure to see that all those people were right all along. “This too shall pass.” He is here with me and I have a choice to make every minute. I can be obedient to Him and choose His peace or I can choose to get overtaken by the thief that is here to steal my time, my thoughts, and my heart.

So while it seems wrong to make this first post so heavy, it also seems right. Sharing all of this with you AFTER it has passed is SO tempting, but it is not real and it would not help you or me. SO, here it is, imperfect and not what I wanted it to be. But even writing that gives me peace because God doesn’t give us what we want, but always what we need. He is making me new…again.

I can’t make an overall promise about what you will see written here, but what I can promise is that it will be real. It might be HARD and it might not. What I do hope is that this space gives you tools to go through your days and encouragement to keep you practicing. When you go through HARD times I pray that these tools and my words might give you HOPE that you can get through what ever you are going through and “this too shall pass.” He gives us what we need and I believe He makes all things new over and over again if we let Him.